Faith
The profound changes in my life have caused me to re-examine my basic beliefs in faith. For the most part I’ve been a Deist. This philosophy fits in nicely with the scientific world. G-d created the universe, then he abandoned it. He exerts no influence on the world or our lives. In other words, G-d was the big-bang.
The basic flaw with this belief is that G-d becomes useless. There is no reason to pray to G-d since he won’t answer your prayers. There’s no reason to ask for strength, because G-d won’t grant it. This is a G-d who does not care. He’s just watching a celestial sitcom.
I’m still struggling to find within myself if I can believe in a living G-d. One who is with us in our day to day lives. Many people believe that G-d is there for you when you need him most. When you’ve lost everything and seem abandoned by all you love. I can’t accept this kind of G-d. I want a G-d that will help you before you’ve lost everything. I want a G-d who will influence you into making the choices that help you keep all that is dear to you. For if I lose everything I love, I don’t want help. It’s too late. I don’t want to crawl out of the sewer to find my loved ones still gone.
To help me resolve these issues, I spoke with a minister last night. Part of our discussion was about prayer. I told her I haven’t prayed in years, decades even. I only cursed at G-d for giving me the opportunity to fall madly in love with my wife, then I lost her. I cursed him because I would have been better off having never met her. I cursed him for torturing my step-daughter.
The minister told me that G-d was not so petty that he couldn’t see my prayers through the curses. So I am relenting for a change. I will say a prayer, this time without the curses.
Please G-d, grant me the wisdom to see the way I must travel to regain the trust and love of my wife. Grant me the strength to survive the rough road I know awaits me in this endeavor. Please G-d, soften the bitterness in my wife’s heart so she can feel a small fraction of the love she once held for me. Please G-d, help us nurture this dying sapling back to health so our love can blossom once again. Please G-d, help us wipe away the anger and resentment that has come to dominate our lives. Please G-d, help my step-daughter find the strength within herself so she can become happy with the young woman she will become.
I am not making any promises to G-d. I won’t try to bargain with him. If G-d exists and cares, he knows what is in my heart.
